The Trespasser

On Friday I was browsing SFGate and saw a headline, "Caltrain hits man near Mountain View." It gave me a familiar cold and hollow feeling...Paul lived in Mountain View. Paul took the Caltrain a lot. It's easy for me to visualize Paul waiting for a train in Mountain View, or getting on one, or getting off one. Or me getting off a Caltrain in Mountain View, met by Paul, hugged tight, my long day transformed into a wonderful moment reunited with my best friend, High Priest, and lifemate.

"A spokeswoman says a man described as 'trespasser' was hit by a northbound train around 5:15 a.m. near the Highway 85 overpass," reads the SFGate article.

Within two days I found out that I have a friend who knew the Trespasser. He and I were only three degrees apart. The Trespasser walked deliberately in front of the train, and he is now dead.

In one moment the Trespasser sentenced my friend, his parents, his own circle of friends and family, his ex-girlfriend, his fellow graduate students, the train engineer and the train passengers, and any passersby to a lifetime living with what he did. Judge, jury and executioner of all these innocent people, to say nothing of himself.

Maybe he thought all his loved ones would be better off without him. They aren't. They didn't sign up for their new existence without him. They didn't sign up for a lifetime of nightmares about his body crushed by a train. They didn't deserve the months and years of unbearable anguish, the rage, the confusion, the guilt, the insomnia, the momths or years of medication and its side effects, and the months or years of therapy (if they're fortunate enough to have those last two).

But it's possible the Trespasser wasn't thinking of his loved ones. It's possible his pain was so intolerable he could sense nothing else. It was 5:15 in the morning. He probably hadn't slept. A tunnel formed around him and he could see no way out but the train tracks.

I humbly ask anyone reading this to think of the Trespasser before acting on intolerable pain. I humbly ask you not to believe the demon that tells you that no one can help you, and no one has ever felt the way you do. I suggest you tell that demon that there are people in your life who would do anything, at any time, for any period of time, to save you. And there are people who know a lot more than your loved ones about how to save you and they're ready, willing, and able. I cannot state strongly enough that your loved ones are NOT better off without you. I cannot scream it loudly enough.

Please, no more Trespassers.

Ten months

Recently I upgraded the memory in my laptop. I thought about it and realized I'd gotten the computer a new brain.

Then I thought about how Paul often said, when he was alive, that he wanted a new brain.

I didn't think of upgrading him before. Wish I'd thought of that. Wish it could have worked.

I would have powered him down and turned him over, and removed his battery by turning a coin in the slot.

Then I would have taken out each of the screws in his memory door and removed the bad chip, and installed the two brand new chips, maxing out his capacity with new clean memory. Then I'd screw the door carefully back on and the battery would go back in and I'd power him up again, and there he'd be, feeling so much better.

Wish I'd thought of that. But now it's too late.

My list of unanswerable questions is way too long to post but here are a few that come to mind:

• Was Paul there in spirit form, watching me, when I found his body?
  
• If so, what was that like for him?
  
• Did I do and say and feel what he expected me to do and say and feel at that moment?
  
• Did he plan to follow in his father's poltergeisting footsteps?
  
• Or did he decide to break Xmas tree ornaments and knock over vendor tables after crossing over?
  

Rachel told me that there is a Mexican saying about death, that each person actually dies three times. The first is when the body ceases to breathe. The second time is when the body is put in the ground. The third, and most profound and permanent, is when the living no longer remember the deceased's name.

With my blog I'm hoping to put off that third part for a while.

Latest news about the SOFIA project

When Paul was working on the Stratospheric Observatory for Infrared Astronomy (SOFIA) project in the late 90s, I used to call him up at work and pretend to be SOFIA, the 747 jetliner herself, asking him to come down to Waco, TX where she was hangared and pay her some attention.

Click here to read the latest about SOFIA's journey on behalf of NASA and humanity.

Anniversary ritual complete

Rocio Arteaga is my artist. Go to her for all your body art needs!

Nine months

Nine months would be the gestation period for a new human life. But I don't feel like anything new has been created.

I can't stop time from passing. Time flows onward without my consciousness or consent, and so too, it seems, does the distance. I feel I must be like any other animal who loses its mate -- instincts take over, along with the will to survive. I don't feel good about having a will to survive and benefiting from it when Paul couldn't catch a break.

Here are more things and people and creatures Paul loved.

• Frank Lloyd Wright
  
• "The West Wing"
  
• His aquariums
  
• His guinea pigs
  
• talking to squirrels
  
• talking to crows
  
• Bleu cheese
  
• Worthington Fry Chik
  
• Bacon
  
• "The Planets" by Gustav Holst
  
• EliSheva Nesher
  
• Cats (all of them)
  
• "Pretty in Pink" (except the end)
  
• "The Breakfast Club"
  
• Siouxsie and the Banshees
  
• my mom's Texas artichoke dip
  
• Artichokes
  
• Dick Dale
  
• All surf music
  
• "1 bourbon, 1 Scotch, 1 beer" by George Thorogood
  
• Peanut butter
  
• Teletubbies
  
• H.P. Lovecraft
  
• MST3K
  
• "Horatio Hornblower"
  
• Amy Abascal
  
• Mole cheese enchiladas
  

Paul loved many things...part 3

• Amateur radio
  
• Hedgehogs
  
• Brandy Ho's
  
• Dune
  
• Darkover
  
• Wonkette
  
• San Benito House
  
• Mythbusters
  
• Discovery Science Channel
  
• Twin Peaks
  
• Julee Cruise
  
• "Disintegration" album by the Cure
  
• X-Men
  
• "Gaoth Barra na d'Tonn"
  
• Stelline, Oregano's, Pasta?
  
• J. R. R. Tolkien
  
• French fries with ranch dressing
  
• Agent Scully
  
• Twinberry Cafe
  
• Davenport Cash Store
  
• San Gregorio Beach
  
• La Fondue